[review]Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer or The Rise of Stultification[/review]

Dear reader,

I assume you already have heard of the very popcorny movie adaptation of Fantastic Four. Even though it wasn’t a very sophisticated movie, it was funny and pretty innovative (we’re talking about part one!)

But unfortunately I have to tell you, that this movie review isn’t about the first part of the franchise. It’s about the second one. Because the plot is so puny I’m not even trying to write it down by myself, so just read it here if you want to: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0486576/

But now straight to the epic slating of the second movie.

While watching it I made myself notices. Here you get them uncensored and uncut:

-Victor Von Doom (played by Julian MacMahon): Absolute awful acting. Dear Julian, a wannabe gay accent plus a little bit bad looks and a mask fetish doesn’t make you an extraordinary villain.

-Susan Storm (played by Jessica Alba): Gruesome, banal and wooden acting. Looking like a slut and making a fearful face through the whole movie. No, changing your make-up and your hair style in every single scene and shaking your hips like stupid when you’re walking to the altar at your own wedding doesn’t make you less sluttier. And: your lipgloss-covered mouth that is opened for two straight hours, sometimes combined with self tanning lotion does not save a bad movie.

-Mr. Elastic (played by Ioan Gruffud): That strained hardly wannabe nerdy workaholic cogitating look on face is sucking like hell.

- About Twentieth Century Fox (no, they will never ever arrive in the 21st century, so there’s at least a good reason for the name) and what they thought when they made the movie:

-Always very important: Family values (raise children & getting married is the most important thing in life and what life’s actually all about)

-Men hugging is THE most worst thing on the planet. Hugs make the character (generally in every Fox movie) “unconfortable”. Kids, there’s a reason why Julian McMahon had to act with a gay accent and play the evil guy. (Maybe I should better put that under the title Gays are bad and put it under family values?)

-You looking hot is the key to success. You will get everything!

-Blowing things up and the end of the world: Always a good solid plot.

-(Reflecting the minds at Fox) “See, we got Jessica Alba for a ton of money… now we can do everything with her” And so they did:

First Jessica with glasses, then we put her in a Kill Bill outfit with a lousy hair style, after that we put her in the “sexy” Fantastic Four suit and then we can finally take her clothes off.

-People are stupid! They will keep buying our shit till’ they die of bad movies!

-America is everywhere! Even in the London-Eye-almost-blow-up-scene the people scream around with American accent.

-Because we have bad taste, we only use a stupid patriotism-filled music, that really nobody wants.

-Oh and because the movie will look more expensive and high-tech, let’s just cruise around the world for a little bit.

-Hacking and computing means it has to beep! without an end in sight so everybody gets that we are cool and high-tech.

-Let’s keep the camera constantly moving so the people won’t get bored because of the lack of content/story

-Black actors always play the tough guys.

-Product placement!!!! Everywhere!

-Clichee means truth. So let’s just make all the characters into stereotypes.

So on the bottom line:

Ugh. It’s an awful movie. Even though the movie is hilarious (the jokes unfortunately are pressurized, so the movie’s funny ’cause of the ridiculousness of the entire package), in the end, it’s gruesome. I hope they say goodbye forever, as they showed by putting laughing (because finally the stupid movie characters are gone), hand-waving Chinese/Japanese children in the end (picture below). What a shame, because the first Fantastic Four movie was good!

[updated on 9/25/2009]Unfortunately the Fox, that is stuck in the 20th century plans a reboot of the series. You can make yourself crying by following this to make sure Balthazar is not only writing some stupid thing he doesn’t know about. [/update]